Saturday, August 4, 2012

A heavy thought

A blog post written on June 4th 2007 

 My Justice was 6 months old and looking back this was my initial, level headed grasp AT making sense of the life I now faced. With this beautiful baby laying on my chest, i began accepting my reality.  The reality that the past 4 years had been spent in a lifeless state of shock and every moment after will be spent fighting.

"This time of the year.

Today Aloura turns nine.  Like any other day I replay the past 4 years over and over again through my head. It makes me wonder if my "obsession" over the order of events will ever subside.  Four years it's been, since they have not been with their mommy.  Some days are easier than others.  Abra turned 6 on April 29th.  Mother's day, their birthdays, it's this time of year when my strength is most tested. The pain inside hurts a bit worse and my outside layer is definitely being affected.  Last week I had to answer a lot of "are you O.K.'s?".    I resist writing because it brings tears.  "Deal with the tears Amber"  When the day comes that puts them in my arms again, the words written will be the proof that I was here wanting, loving and missing them every passing day. It will be proof that although I am strong and living.  A piece of my heart lives inside of them, wherever that that may be. 

       How I survived with this pain without Justice leaves me completely bewildered.  When I look at the photos, when I call Michael and again he doesn't pick up, when I simply realize that there is nothing I can do. It's out of my control.  I'm powerless.  I look at her, touch her, hold her and it saves me. 

            I just pray, pray that before they have to come find me themselves, someone helps me find them, helps me find Justice. 
            Happy birthday Aloura Ivy…………"